I’m here really to attempt to explain wine to you, but it’s not in my style to just blithely offer you wine advice. No. I see myself as not just an arbiter of taste, like Richard and Judy or Lorraine Kelly, but as teachers, just like Richard and Judy or Lorraine Kelly.
 
I want you to experience new and fabulous wines, whilst fucking learning something, you lazy sponges. This may be something as simple as that the word “boutique” is bullshit, but we are determined that you learn something about wine every time you come and see me. After all, an educated consumer is not only an rarity, it’s an oxymoron.
 
‘So, ‘zerodosage’ if that IS your real name’ - (it isn’t) you may well ask - ‘What qualifies YOU to teach ME?’Firstly, I don’t care what you think, lowly consumer. Like all the wine greats, Parker, Jancis, Richard and Judy, I am totally above you all. Secondly, no-one’ll read this, so it doesn’t matter. And Thirdly, I’m totally at liberty to exaggerate my qualifications just like you all did applying for your boring job in this collapsing economy working for cunts you don’t like.
 
Since you asked though, for seven years I have been in the wine trade, and for a bit of that I was a sommelier. You can ask any sommelier — we all know everything there is to know about wine. We combine the absolute authority of Wikipedia with the brilliant insight of Piers Morgan and the personality traits of Carlos Tevez. (I like comparing things to footballers, this will be a running theme)Let us begin with the basics. When this is over (I’ll try to remember to wake you), you will have amassed enough to be a wine expert. Just what this industry needs.
What are grapes? 
Grapes are what grapevines create in order to spread their reproductive seeds. This occurs via the intestinal tracts of birds, dogs, starving grape pickers - whatever ends up eating them, this is often detectable on the nose of wines.How many different varieties of grapes are there?Two: red and white. JUST KIDDING - there are approximately 6000 different varieties of Vitis vinifera (The botanical name for European grape vine species) According to Google translate it means “Please don’t breed me with Pinotage”MORE SOON WINE FANS!